Got a toothbrush?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
