So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
