I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
