dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize