I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize