Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Just high enough for therapy.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
