4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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