morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
