I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
