A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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