i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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