Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
