Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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