i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize