I think I won the penis lottery.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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