wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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