my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
