i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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