Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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