I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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