some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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