i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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