WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
She told me I should be a condom model.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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