I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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