Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
pop tarts are not kleenex
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Randomize