There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
