he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
