Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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