i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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