I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
