So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Such a big mess for such a small penis
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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