In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize