maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Randomize
