I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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