have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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