ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Randomize
