this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
