i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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