I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
