i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
