I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
