I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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