this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
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