a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Randomize
