did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
