having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
