the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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