I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
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