he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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