i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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