Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
