I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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