seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
