What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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