Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I am puke
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
