I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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