I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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