Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Randomize
