i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
