Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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