Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize