Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
