I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
