The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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